The Monmouth County Republican Blog takes pride in our commitment to the celebration of diversity. Therefore, we were kind of embarassed that we missed a holiday that is very important to a large segment of our population.
We Republicans as well as other Americans look at July 4th as a patriotic holiday at which time we remember the founders of our great nation, who took great personal risk to themselves and their families.
Followers of the Democratic Party celebrate a different holiday, April 15th. That day is not only a patriotic holiday, it is held at nearly religious heights as Democrats across the nation remember the Internal Revenue Service, which provides great personal risk to ordinary Americans (Not Timothy Geithner) and their families.
We apologize to all Democrats for our insensitive ignorance of their customs; the vast editorial staff here at the Monmouth County Republican Blog will be required to undergo sensitivity training at a reeducation center to be subsequently determined.
We hope all Democrats had a happy holiday.
Showing posts with label Satire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Satire. Show all posts
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Sunday, February 15, 2009
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Friday, January 16, 2009
ON THE CUTTING OF COUNTY EXPENSES
Monmouth County's Democratic County Commissioners (neé Freeholders) claim to want to cut waste in government. That's debateable, but we'll reserve that battle for another day.
I believe their reduction of board member salaries is an excellent start.
In the spirit of reduction, I would like to help them, and I offer this proposal. Monmouth County has an "at-large" board, meaning that they each represent the county as a whole, as opposed to individual towns or districts. As such, having five is redundant. Indeed, it is arbitrary, as Mercer, a smaller county, has seven. So it has nothing to do with population.
I propose a three-member board. This would result in an instant 40% reduction in board salaries, not to mention less secretaries, printing agendas, etc.
But Abe, but Abe, you say, who would be let go? I've already figured that out, campers. In a bi-partisan way, of course.
Director Barbara McMorrow gets to stay. She runs by herself, and to eliminate her position would disrupt the election cycle of board members. So she stays.
The other four members run two at a time, so one of each pair would have to go. Amy "Hammerhead" Mallet goes. She's the "most recent hire", she got in by the skin of her shark teeth, and doesn't appear to offer anything to the organization. So she goes.
Rob Clifton is the senior member of the board. If seniority counts, he stays. That leaves John D'Amico, affectionately known as "Flippy". Although he served before, that was way back in the 80's, and he's been out of touch since then. He didn't have an original idea then, and nothing seems to have changed since then. Like Amy Mallet, Flippy squeaked in back in '07. So he, too gets laid off.
That leaves two Republicans and one Democrat. How 'bout that. We're back!
The above is a work of satire.
I believe their reduction of board member salaries is an excellent start.
In the spirit of reduction, I would like to help them, and I offer this proposal. Monmouth County has an "at-large" board, meaning that they each represent the county as a whole, as opposed to individual towns or districts. As such, having five is redundant. Indeed, it is arbitrary, as Mercer, a smaller county, has seven. So it has nothing to do with population.
I propose a three-member board. This would result in an instant 40% reduction in board salaries, not to mention less secretaries, printing agendas, etc.
But Abe, but Abe, you say, who would be let go? I've already figured that out, campers. In a bi-partisan way, of course.
Director Barbara McMorrow gets to stay. She runs by herself, and to eliminate her position would disrupt the election cycle of board members. So she stays.
The other four members run two at a time, so one of each pair would have to go. Amy "Hammerhead" Mallet goes. She's the "most recent hire", she got in by the skin of her shark teeth, and doesn't appear to offer anything to the organization. So she goes.
Rob Clifton is the senior member of the board. If seniority counts, he stays. That leaves John D'Amico, affectionately known as "Flippy". Although he served before, that was way back in the 80's, and he's been out of touch since then. He didn't have an original idea then, and nothing seems to have changed since then. Like Amy Mallet, Flippy squeaked in back in '07. So he, too gets laid off.
That leaves two Republicans and one Democrat. How 'bout that. We're back!
The above is a work of satire.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
CLARENCE HALL
NOTE: This is a work of satire. It is not intended to imply that any real person actually did the things stated in this article, or that girls actually say "Eeeeeewwwwww" about anyone. Rather, it is to illustrate the juvenile behavior displayed by some people who are supposed to be grown-ups who know better.
Once upon a time, long, long ago in a high school far, far away, was a student we'll call Clarence Hall.
Clarence was a straight "A" student, and many teachers and administrators often said that Clarence showed a lot of promise. With his strong leadership skills, he was chosen for a mentoring program at a school across town; through tutoring and other activities he calmed what had been called an out of control "blackboard jungle", and received many accolades for it.
All who he came into contact with were highly impressed, but for one thing.
Clarence was an incorrigible discipline problem.
With his Irish good looks and gift of gab, Clarence should have been a babe magnet, but many of the girls he asked out reacted with an emphatic, "Eeeeeeeewwwwwwwwww!" Clarence spent many an hour at in-school detention, as well as suspension.
His "extra-curricular activities" included:
Putting wads of paper into the larger opening of each drinking fountain, causing unsuspecting users to get squirted in the face by a jet of water.
Placing a pencil, eraser first, into each nostril during class.
Clarence came into class after gym with his pants on backwards. More than once.
Replacing dry-erase markers with permanent markers; the school district had to replace eight dry-erase boards.
Writing on the walls.
Throwing spitballs.
Goofing in the halls.
He "borrowed" several chunks of dry ice from the chemistry lab and placed them in toilets in the boys' rooms, filling the rooms with fog.
Lit off stink bombs in said boys' rooms.
While he was supposed to be working on a stage set after school, Clarence took a can of paint, painted the soles of his bare feet, and walked through all the corridors of the school, leaving bright orange footprints everywhere, repainting his feet as he went.
Incited a food fight in the cafeteria by imitating John Belushi's character in National Lampoon's Animal House and spraying the captain of the cheerleading squad with mashed potatoes. The entire football team has been after him since.
Incited a book fight in the library by doing the same. An entire set of World Book Encyclopedia was ruined and police were called when a thesaurus went through a window and dented the principal's car. This earned him a suspension.
Egging the principal's car after the dent was repaired.
Clarence likes to monkey with the phone, and he frequently was called down to the principal's office to explain some call made to someone the night before.
While walking the halls during free periods, he presses his face against the glass in classroom doors, disrupting the class inside.
He was caught with diagrams he had made of drilling a hole through the wall between the girls' and boys' showers. His plan was to create a camera obscura, where images of the showering girls would be projected upon the boys' shower wall. His plan unraveled when he was caught removing a drill from shop. This earned him a suspension.
Sophomore and Junior years, Clarence was chosen to represent his homeroom in the Student Council. Many questioned who would vote for him; how could he actually win, but he did. Although he didn't do a half-bad job, his record was marred by his bad behavior. Clarence had a habit of making up stories about other students and running to a teacher. His reputation became that of the little boy who cried wolf. When criticized for telling tales, Clarence would adopt the role of a victim; that they were picking on him. Incorrigible, Clarence just kept it up. He ran for Senior Class president but lost out when his mischief finally caught up with him and people just said "enough". He just kept going, though, going to the principal and the school newspaper with some story about what the class president supposedly had said freshman year. Most who heard his story said that they just didn't believe him and that it was just sour grapes because he didn't get to be class president.
Many teachers and school administrators are toying with the idea that Clarence Hall should just transfer to the other school as a full-time student, as it appears that there are no problems with him there and he is well-liked by the teaching staff.
Once upon a time, long, long ago in a high school far, far away, was a student we'll call Clarence Hall.
Clarence was a straight "A" student, and many teachers and administrators often said that Clarence showed a lot of promise. With his strong leadership skills, he was chosen for a mentoring program at a school across town; through tutoring and other activities he calmed what had been called an out of control "blackboard jungle", and received many accolades for it.
All who he came into contact with were highly impressed, but for one thing.
Clarence was an incorrigible discipline problem.
With his Irish good looks and gift of gab, Clarence should have been a babe magnet, but many of the girls he asked out reacted with an emphatic, "Eeeeeeeewwwwwwwwww!" Clarence spent many an hour at in-school detention, as well as suspension.
His "extra-curricular activities" included:
Putting wads of paper into the larger opening of each drinking fountain, causing unsuspecting users to get squirted in the face by a jet of water.
Placing a pencil, eraser first, into each nostril during class.
Clarence came into class after gym with his pants on backwards. More than once.
Replacing dry-erase markers with permanent markers; the school district had to replace eight dry-erase boards.
Writing on the walls.
Throwing spitballs.
Goofing in the halls.
He "borrowed" several chunks of dry ice from the chemistry lab and placed them in toilets in the boys' rooms, filling the rooms with fog.
Lit off stink bombs in said boys' rooms.
While he was supposed to be working on a stage set after school, Clarence took a can of paint, painted the soles of his bare feet, and walked through all the corridors of the school, leaving bright orange footprints everywhere, repainting his feet as he went.
Incited a food fight in the cafeteria by imitating John Belushi's character in National Lampoon's Animal House and spraying the captain of the cheerleading squad with mashed potatoes. The entire football team has been after him since.
Incited a book fight in the library by doing the same. An entire set of World Book Encyclopedia was ruined and police were called when a thesaurus went through a window and dented the principal's car. This earned him a suspension.
Egging the principal's car after the dent was repaired.
Clarence likes to monkey with the phone, and he frequently was called down to the principal's office to explain some call made to someone the night before.
While walking the halls during free periods, he presses his face against the glass in classroom doors, disrupting the class inside.
He was caught with diagrams he had made of drilling a hole through the wall between the girls' and boys' showers. His plan was to create a camera obscura, where images of the showering girls would be projected upon the boys' shower wall. His plan unraveled when he was caught removing a drill from shop. This earned him a suspension.
Sophomore and Junior years, Clarence was chosen to represent his homeroom in the Student Council. Many questioned who would vote for him; how could he actually win, but he did. Although he didn't do a half-bad job, his record was marred by his bad behavior. Clarence had a habit of making up stories about other students and running to a teacher. His reputation became that of the little boy who cried wolf. When criticized for telling tales, Clarence would adopt the role of a victim; that they were picking on him. Incorrigible, Clarence just kept it up. He ran for Senior Class president but lost out when his mischief finally caught up with him and people just said "enough". He just kept going, though, going to the principal and the school newspaper with some story about what the class president supposedly had said freshman year. Most who heard his story said that they just didn't believe him and that it was just sour grapes because he didn't get to be class president.
Many teachers and school administrators are toying with the idea that Clarence Hall should just transfer to the other school as a full-time student, as it appears that there are no problems with him there and he is well-liked by the teaching staff.
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