Wednesday, January 04, 2006


NOTE: This is a work of satire. It is not intended to imply that any real person actually did the things stated in this article, or that girls actually say "Eeeeeewwwwww" about anyone. Rather, it is to illustrate the juvenile behavior displayed by some people who are supposed to be grown-ups who know better.

Once upon a time, long, long ago in a high school far, far away, was a student we'll call Clarence Hall.
Clarence was a straight "A" student, and many teachers and administrators often said that Clarence showed a lot of promise. With his strong leadership skills, he was chosen for a mentoring program at a school across town; through tutoring and other activities he calmed what had been called an out of control "blackboard jungle", and received many accolades for it.
All who he came into contact with were highly impressed, but for one thing.
Clarence was an incorrigible discipline problem.
With his Irish good looks and gift of gab, Clarence should have been a babe magnet, but many of the girls he asked out reacted with an emphatic, "Eeeeeeeewwwwwwwwww!" Clarence spent many an hour at in-school detention, as well as suspension.
His "extra-curricular activities" included:

Putting wads of paper into the larger opening of each drinking fountain, causing unsuspecting users to get squirted in the face by a jet of water.
Placing a pencil, eraser first, into each nostril during class.
Clarence came into class after gym with his pants on backwards. More than once.
Replacing dry-erase markers with permanent markers; the school district had to replace eight dry-erase boards.
Writing on the walls.
Throwing spitballs.
Goofing in the halls.
He "borrowed" several chunks of dry ice from the chemistry lab and placed them in toilets in the boys' rooms, filling the rooms with fog.
Lit off stink bombs in said boys' rooms.
While he was supposed to be working on a stage set after school, Clarence took a can of paint, painted the soles of his bare feet, and walked through all the corridors of the school, leaving bright orange footprints everywhere, repainting his feet as he went.
Incited a food fight in the cafeteria by imitating John Belushi's character in National Lampoon's Animal House and spraying the captain of the cheerleading squad with mashed potatoes. The entire football team has been after him since.
Incited a book fight in the library by doing the same. An entire set of World Book Encyclopedia was ruined and police were called when a thesaurus went through a window and dented the principal's car. This earned him a suspension.
Egging the principal's car after the dent was repaired.
Clarence likes to monkey with the phone, and he frequently was called down to the principal's office to explain some call made to someone the night before.
While walking the halls during free periods, he presses his face against the glass in classroom doors, disrupting the class inside.
He was caught with diagrams he had made of drilling a hole through the wall between the girls' and boys' showers. His plan was to create a camera obscura, where images of the showering girls would be projected upon the boys' shower wall. His plan unraveled when he was caught removing a drill from shop. This earned him a suspension.

Sophomore and Junior years, Clarence was chosen to represent his homeroom in the Student Council. Many questioned who would vote for him; how could he actually win, but he did. Although he didn't do a half-bad job, his record was marred by his bad behavior. Clarence had a habit of making up stories about other students and running to a teacher. His reputation became that of the little boy who cried wolf. When criticized for telling tales, Clarence would adopt the role of a victim; that they were picking on him. Incorrigible, Clarence just kept it up. He ran for Senior Class president but lost out when his mischief finally caught up with him and people just said "enough". He just kept going, though, going to the principal and the school newspaper with some story about what the class president supposedly had said freshman year. Most who heard his story said that they just didn't believe him and that it was just sour grapes because he didn't get to be class president.
Many teachers and school administrators are toying with the idea that Clarence Hall should just transfer to the other school as a full-time student, as it appears that there are no problems with him there and he is well-liked by the teaching staff.


Jackie Corley said...

(Sorry I sullied your blog. Typos are painful to the eyes and I wanted to make another note.)

Hm... let me see... what in the world could Clarence Hall rhyme with? lol

Clever parody.

I'm reserving judgment until the tape is produced. Until then, it's wait and see.

Honest Abe said...

Don't worry about sullying my blog; I cleaned it up.

I guess you figured it out. Clarence has nothing to do with the mayor of Middletown. Let's see if he actually produces a tape.

Rick said...

I'll reserve judgement until Terry produces the tape.


shirley said...

There ain't gonna be a tape. You can kiss and tell when there wasn't any kissing in the first place.

Anonymous said...

wall=nut job

Anonymous said...

Wall isn't the only one up to juvenile highjinx.

Anonymous said...

who wants the tape?

Anonymous said...

It would be a funny parody if he wasn't a mental case. But he made of fool of himself and since everyone now has his number the jig is up. And the girls really do say "eeeeeewwwwwwww" and I've actually heard some say so in his case.

home in the dell said...

I think it is now safe to say that there is no tape? Do I smell political suicide?